My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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