it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
