Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
