Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
