He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
