i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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