The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
