I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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