Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
