i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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