She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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