my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Never joke about your clitoris.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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