Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
