My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
