i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
