Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
