i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What a dumb baby whore.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
try to milk me bitch
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