i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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