What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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