Please, let me fuck your mom
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
