I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
