i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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