I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
