Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think your dad took our porno
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
