I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
