I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
