U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
