my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
