a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
did i walk over a car last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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