I could make wine with my vomit
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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