My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
