Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
