It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
