We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
