Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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