i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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