I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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