Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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