my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
