The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
