I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize