I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
