Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
