My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
