apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
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the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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