Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
