I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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