you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...