Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......