I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
