If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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