My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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