You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
