Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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