So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The beer is more important than you right now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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